Girlfriend/ Boyfriend #2????

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack! :-)

OK, so last night I was talking with a male friend about cheating and my gears started turning. This somewhat recent epidemic of perfectly well men and women settling for #2 is so disturbing to me. The details vary from situation to situation and even from sex to sex; however, any way you slice it, two people are being cheated. The faithful party in the original relationship is obviously being cheated out of time and love from his or her partner. The third wheel in the relationship is cheating him or herself out of what is truly deserved- a monogamous partner and REAL chance at love.

I personally know about 14 females (about 7-8 different relationships) where 2 or more women are KNOWINGLY sharing a man. I only know of 1 man that that is KNOWINGLY sharing a woman with another man for more than sexual pleasure. In the situations I speak of, it's NOT just about sex. There are feelings involved, there is history between them, these are ongoing situations. These are situations where the involved parties have confronted each other and are WELL AWARE that they're mates are not faithful. These women and that man are somewhat content with the situation they have gotten themselves into. I say that they are content because, if they weren't, they would leave...right? There's no age limit. These are not just young men who aren't sure of what they want. This happens ALL over the board. In fact, I think it's more prevalent in older, married couples. If you are not being fulfilled, why stay and make your situation more uncomfortable?

I know it's not that easy to pick up and leave a situation that you have been in for years or have become accustomed to, but at what point did you deem yourself unworthy of a faithful partner? At what point do you accept being #1 instead of THE ONLY ONE? When does it become acceptable to let someone else's man or woman become a part of your love life and actually give them a piece of your heart? How do function throughout the day when you're never sure where your man or woman is, because you're at work or school or out with friends? How many nights can you accept going out with your man or woman but coming back home alone, because he's gone home or to his other life? How do you trust someone who has repeatedly wronged you AND thrown it in your face? WHY do you accept it? Do you think you will ever be the only one?

These are all questions that I would love to ask any of the people I know in one of these taxing situations, but I don't. Why? Because it's none of my business. And I hope that I will never be in such situation so I don't find it necessary to get details on how to handle myself in such situations. I guess I'm just interested in knowing how a person can live with that on their heart. I want to know how a man can break a woman's heart that he has made a life with and loves. I want to know how a woman can consider herself a lady or any type of classy while she's stepping outside her home on her man. I want to be made to understand how the third comes to believe that he or she isn't wrong when a home and a relationship is at stake because of his or her mere presence. 

There is so much to be said about cheating in general, but I'm not going to go into all that because that's not my focus. My focus is on the cheater who makes the 3rd party feel relevant. The cheater who attempts to build a double life and is successful! A lot of things come to mind when I explore this topic (because I honestly don't understand it). I have always heard "You lose them how you get them"; meaning that if you break up a home in order to build your own, the same will happen to you in time. Your relationship is doomed from jump street, if you built it on someone else's foundation. I believe this to be true. I've seen it happen. Besides, if someone will cheat WITH you please believe the likelihood that they will cheat ON you is OUTSTANDING.

I'm not in the clear here. I've done my share of dirt in the past- I'm not innocent; but I learned and grew up. I moved on. I made myself better. I only actually cheated ON one person. The situation was very sticky to put it lightly, but i did it for a few months. My conscience caught up to me quickly and I ended the relationship, because my partner was too good for what I was doing behind his back. I couldn't let it continue and still respect myself, because there was nothing right about what was going on.
I've also KNOWINGLY been the 3rd party a time or two in my younger days. I kicked it with a guy in college. I was 19, he was 31. I kept hearing that he was married. I would confront him, he would deny it.
I don't like the feeling of being out of the loop op not knowing what is going on, so I ended it because of the possibility of him having a wife. I found out later that he did in fact have a wife and a few children he forgot to mention.

Shortly after graduating from college and moving to a new city, I met a man that I was very fond of. He treated me well. He took me out often, he was attentive to my needs, and if I wasn't at work or out of town, I was in his arms. One morning at about 5, i received a text from his wife on his phone. She informed me that he was married, with 3 kids, and there were no signs of a divorce in the foreseeable future. I advised her to delete my number from his phone and let him know that we had spoken. Later that day she called me from her own number and gave me some background on their situation. She was nice and respectful to me. Our interactions were calm and civilized. I  was angry with him for lying to me and I knew I had to remove myself from the situation. 

After being somewhat on both sides of the situation and getting some insight into that life, the questions above STILL remain; why stay and accept less than what you're worth. If you're selling something for $500 and you're firm on the price, you wouldn't let anyone walk away with it after giving you $25, So why are you selling your heart and yourself short?? You're worth it....aren't you?


Below is the link to a song I enjoy for entertainment purposes, but is terrible morally.

http://youtu.be/0x6z9azG5Pg


As always, your feedback is not only welcome, but encouraged.

XOXO,

LyfeBytes

A Figure of Speech

 

I'm a huge fan of words. You can do so much with them. I was just sitting here thinking about something totally unrelated and i began to think about our country as a whole. How Americans greet each other, phrases we use, abbreviations, slang, etc.  So, that will be the topic of today's post. 

When someone is sick, friends, family members, and coworkers are so quick to yell "Get well soon", "feel better", "take care of yourself", or something else of that nature. If you stop and think about it, it's silly to say any of those things. We're telling them to get well or get better soon like it's a choice of their own. Like if they had the option in the beginning most sane people wouldn't have just stayed healthy. Telling someone to take care of themself after they are already sick or have been injured comes a day late and a dollar short. Granted, it may mean in the furture, but rarely do I say "take care of yourself in the future so that this doesn't happen again", even if that's what I mean.   

Another phrase that i find ironic is "stay strong".  We often tell people who have recently suffered a trauma or lost a loved one to be strong, but why? Something very serious, sad, and often times scary just took place; why are we demanding that someone stay strong at what might be one of the hardest times or lowest points in life. Why does that person have to stay strong for everyone else? Who took his/her rigth to grieve with/like everyone else?This is a phrase I've questioned for a long time and actually stopped saying a few years back. After dealing with a few losses and some trauma on my own, i came to find that sometimes falling apart was the best thing for me. A few brief cathartic moments can help you purge all the fear and uncertainty that develop when your mind is crowded with serious issues. Pretending to be strong or forcing yourself to be strong cause more issues; it seems like denying your true feelings about a situation and requiring strength that you just might not be able to muster up could cause a person to deny the situation or just not totally deal with it or accept it. Because I can only speak on what I know, i have began telling people to do what they need to do to maintain during trying times. If that's ignoring the sitation, turn the music up and act like it never happened. If cutting yourself off from the rest of society helps, then isolate yourself to the fullest extent. If it's completely falling apart works for you, then crumble and build yourself back later when your heart and mind are a little bit more clear. People handle life differently and we should take heed to that.

One more thing that I can't explain and try not to do, is to ask someone how they are if I don't really care or don't have time to listen. Doing so gives needy people a false hope, that says "someone really cares". It can make someone think they have a friend, when in actuality they don't; and you were just saying/doing what you thought you should at the time. I speak to just about everyone. Occassionally, I will ask how you are or what's been going on, but only if i really care. It seems only right.

This isn't the complete list of things i'd like to discuss, but I don't want to bore anyone, so i'll leave you to think about more on your own.

~XOXO, 

LyfeBytes 

Diamond in the Rough

"Don't be a hard rock when you really are a gem."~ Lauryn Hill (Doo Wop That Thang)

Ms. Hill was not speaking directly to me when she made that statement, but she sure stepped on my toes with it. I can't tell you how many people; mainly males have asked me why I'm so "hard" or mean. That question comes about as often as "how are you today". It's sad and after five or six years of the same question, I'm still giving the same answer; "Experiences change people". That's the only reason i can come up with as to why I am no longer the trusting, fun, free person I used to be.

I've been hurt as so many of us have, over and over. After so long, you begin to tuck your heart a little further away and make it more difficult to get to. I did that as my means of protection. I hear friends, family, and supporters say all the time "protect your heart" , "be careful", take it slow"; all very great and useful advice but no one shares any instruction on how to do that. I learned through trial and error. I started out thinking that I should trust everyone until they gave me a reason not to. That didn't last long, I came to find out soon after that i had a laundry list of reasons not to trust and no one to trust or confide in, even if I wanted to. From there, I tried to select certain people that I THOUGHT Icould trust and then making everyone else gain my trust. That didn't work either. So, reluctantly, but with good reason, I began to believe that I couldn't trust anyone; and I don't.

I've been this way for about four years. I HATE IT! I want so bad to give someone my all, be able to leave my purse sitting somewhere, share my deepest fears and desires; but i can't because I have conditioned myself NOT to trust. This is a major issue, because trust is mandatory in ANY type of relationship. If you can't trust, you can't love. If you can't love, you won't be loved. My friends and family love me and i love them; I don't trust them all. Not because any of them have betrayed me, but because I've conditioned my heart to believe that if given the chance ANYONE will turn their back or throw me under the bus. I've spoken to a few people about this issue i have and surprisingly, they all say "i wish i could be more like that. Then i wouldn't end up in some of these situations." 

While i am happy that i have eliminated a great deal of drama and hurt from my life, it comes at a cost. I'm not truly close to anyone anymore. I have to keep myself at a certain distance to remain "untouchable". I have to censor what i share with people and I'm always wondering what is going to be done with the information i do decide to share. It's a nightmare. It gets even worse when it comes to dating. I'm not the go through his phone, check his pockets, clean out his car type of non-truster; I'm the no you can't have my number and i don't want to get to know you because you'll end up hurting me anyway type of non-truster. I don't even let people in. This makes for a very lonely life, but again this is how i learned to protect my heart. What better way to protect something than to keep everyone away from it? 

My son's father was the first person whose number I accepted in almost 2 years when I met him. My better judgment said keep moving; usually i listen to that little voice. That particular day, i stayed and listen to the light skinned charmer with the hazel eyes. Annnnnnnd where did that land me? Alone with a baby! So, I'm almost back to square one. Pregnancy saved me.

While I was carrying my son, i softened up a great deal. I tore down some of my wall, because i realized that nobody wants to climb over pointless walls. No one wants to keep climbing and breaking down walls. So, I'm trying to recondition my heart. It won't be easy and i suspect it will take some time to chip all the ice and concrete away from my pretty, little heart but hopefully its salvageable. I think i have some good things to offer to a good person. So, my question to you is, how do YOU protect your heart without building walls? 

XOXO,

LyfeBytes