Happily Ever After

The institution of marriage is different now than it was 30, 40, 50 years ago. The choice wasn't so much if you would marry, but when and  to whom. If you wanted to have a family, marriage was the only respectable way to go about it. "Shacking up" wasn't unheard of, but it was definitely frowned upon by older members of society. Now, it's almost normal to see couples in a relationship for 5-10 years or more with no true commit or promise of marriage. We start families without the ring, the vows, or the promise. We move in together, when we're ready. We give up when things get tough and move on to the next. This is becoming the new norm. For all these reasons, marriage has become even more special, in my eyes. It's almost rare, among younger people.

Until late last year, I had never put much thought into the future of my love life. I had not considered the possibility of growing old alone, planned an imaginary wedding, or even cared if ever got married. I'm not sure if it's the arrival of my son, the reality of my age, or just natural that marriage is on my mind a lot nowadays. I'm not thirsting for love or willing to drag a poor, unsuspecting man down the aisle; I just want the assurance that it's possible. I see married people on a regular basis, and I never considered them any different than any single person; but there is a difference. They obviously have something single people don't. They have someone to share life with; someone who is supposed to stick around during the hard times, as well as celebrate the good times. They have something unconditional. What they have is likely not based on income, games, lies, or any type of material or physical benefit. I want that. I'll even go as far as to say, I deserve that.

I think back on situations and relationships that I've been in and I'm glad that I made it out of 98% of them. But still most of us have "that one that got away", including me. At times I wonder if I've already met "my future" or if he is waiting for me further up the road. If I have already met him, have I screwed us up? Do we still have a chance? Did I brush his advances off and make him lose confidence? Was he the guy I spoke to at the gas station before I sped off? Was he the man smiling at the car wash or the one who let me cut line at the post office, because I was in a hurry? How will he he sweep me off my feet? Will he be romantic? Funny? A blue collar or white collar worker? These are questions I can't answer at the present time, but I ask on an almost daily basis.

Curiosity plays a huge role in this for me as well. I've heard so many people say that when it's right, you just know. I want to experience what it feels like to really know that someone is supposed to be playing the role they're playing in your life. The feeling of knowing that a person can actually imagine spending the rest of their life with you, has to be uplifting to say the least. I'm sure that also probably comes with a sense of validation; like a little pat on the back that says "I guess I'm alright, after all".  I'm not saying these things to say that married people are in any way better than single people. I can't say that because I've been single for a little over a year and could possibly be for the rest of my life. All I'm saying is that I know it can't all be gardens and rainbows, but I'm willing to bet it's an amazing feeling and one I'd like to know someday (soon). I've picked a few partners on my own and ended up alone (again) every time. This time I'll wait for The King to send mine :-).
 Peace and Blessings.

~XOXO,

LyfeBytes

A Heart to Cheat

I've started this post about six times; It's had four titles and I've tried to write it from three different angles. I'm not sure that there's anyway to say what I want to say, without stepping on toes, hurting feelings, or making anyone feel singled out; except not to write it. That's not an option I can live with.  There's something on my heart and mind, and I want to express it. I've blogged about cheating before; but that was different than what I will touch on today. What's on my mind today are just things that I noticed that stand out in my mind. So, I'm playing Devil's Advocate a little with this one, I guess.

If you have ever read Steve Harvey's book  Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man you know that he states that men cheat for one reason, while women may cheat for a variety of reasons. Women cheat because something is lacking in their relationship. That could be satisfactory sex, an emotional connection or bond of some sort, excitement, etc. Women also commonly cheat to seek revenge; that could be on a friend or loved one or on  a cheating spouse or lover. There are probably plenty more reasons. The one reason Mr. Harvey says that men cheat, is because there is always a woman willing to cheat with him. PERIOD!  I agree with this! There is always a woman with a justifiable (in her mind) excuse and the willingness to keep his secret. I'm not judging anyone, because it's not my place. For one, I'm learning that its not necessary for me to feel any certain way about anyone else's situation. Secondly, I don't know your life and it's none of my business why you make the choices you make. Finally,  I've done my share of dirt and if I look closely enough, I could probably still find some under my nails ;-).

There are just some things about cheating that grind my gears.

• Don't forget who made the commitment to you. All too often men and women who have been cheated on have all sorts of things to say about the third party that entered into their relationship. "oh she's  a slut." "these hoes are dumb. I'm number one in his life." " females are so disrespectful" BLAH BLAH BLAH. I'm not sure that this happens often with men, but women are so quick to blame the other woman, as if she was the only one who did any wrong. If I'm not mistaken, your commitment was to the man, NOT the other woman. She doesn't owe you anything, including respect. She doesn't have to be honest with you. She doesn't have to turn down a man's advances, she doesn't owe you anything. I've been a woman for a little over 29 years and I don't recall signing any documents stating the Code of Womanhood. You may want to believe that every woman is going to respect you and your relationship, but consider this; If your man doesn't respect your relationship, why would an outsider? Seriously, think about it.  Why is the female the disrespectful one? Why does she have to fight you? Why do you attempt to belittle her and call her names, all the while you're still madly in love with the cheater? The one who lied to you, disrespected you, and broke his promises.  *** Just a little food for thought, because maybe you hadn't thought about that part, yet.
• Do your business and get out. This point is mostly for the fellas and for lack of a classier way to word it, I'm going to put it in simple terms and hope that my language is excused. If you must cheat, get your nut and go home! Don't try to make it more than it is. If you have an emotional connection at home, but you cheated out of boredom or for no reason at all don't pull the next person into your mind games. Don't try to make it into a relationship. There is no need for pillow talk and empty promises! Don't get emotional. Don't make the third wheel feel like a factor. If you're cheating out of sheer boredom, keep the connection physical. Making it any deeper, is only going to cause pain for SOMEONE and problems for you.
• All the things that you accept will be the things that you regret. He stayed out a little later than he probably should have. No big deal, you forgave him.
  He's been texting another female. You're a little hurt, but you forgave him.
  You caught them in a restaurant together. He's in hot water for a couple weeks, but you'll forgive him.  This list will grow and grow and you will accept and accept. I'm not saying dispose of a man or woman every time your feelings get hurt; that's not logical. What I am saying is that if you don't respect yourself and hold yourself to a certain standard, no one is going to. If you allow your man or woman to cheat { and by allow, I mean you know what is going on and you excuse it or make excuses for it}, he or she is going to get accustomed to lying to and deceiving you. Respect is no longer a requirement for your love. He/she is permitted to treat you any kind of way, and you won't leave or even react after a while. If you demand respect consistently, I believe that you will get it. It may not happen right away, but people will eventually learn that you mean business. You aren't taking anything from anybody. It will SHOW that you require and demand respect and that you know your worth and aren't settling for less. Otherwise, all you're showing is that you have partner who does right sometime and that's alright with you.
• You lose them how you get them. I'm a firm believer in this saying. If someone intentionally gains access to a person's heart while that person is in a relationship, it's a wrap. Relationships stemming from or built on sabotage, are threatened from the start. The foundation is messy. Karma is real! There will always be another you! What I mean when I say that is that, you may become the new NUMBER ONE; but the door will always be open for your mate to have a #2, #3, so on. If they cheated with you, chances are they'll cheat on you. What would make you different/special? Don't aim to be #1...WORK TO BE THE ONLY ONE!!!!

And, that folks is my spill on the cheating heart :-). As always, feedback is not only welcome, but encouraged. Until next time....Peace & Blessings
~XOXO,
LyfeBytes