Diamond in the Rough

"Don't be a hard rock when you really are a gem."~ Lauryn Hill (Doo Wop That Thang)

Ms. Hill was not speaking directly to me when she made that statement, but she sure stepped on my toes with it. I can't tell you how many people; mainly males have asked me why I'm so "hard" or mean. That question comes about as often as "how are you today". It's sad and after five or six years of the same question, I'm still giving the same answer; "Experiences change people". That's the only reason i can come up with as to why I am no longer the trusting, fun, free person I used to be.

I've been hurt as so many of us have, over and over. After so long, you begin to tuck your heart a little further away and make it more difficult to get to. I did that as my means of protection. I hear friends, family, and supporters say all the time "protect your heart" , "be careful", take it slow"; all very great and useful advice but no one shares any instruction on how to do that. I learned through trial and error. I started out thinking that I should trust everyone until they gave me a reason not to. That didn't last long, I came to find out soon after that i had a laundry list of reasons not to trust and no one to trust or confide in, even if I wanted to. From there, I tried to select certain people that I THOUGHT Icould trust and then making everyone else gain my trust. That didn't work either. So, reluctantly, but with good reason, I began to believe that I couldn't trust anyone; and I don't.

I've been this way for about four years. I HATE IT! I want so bad to give someone my all, be able to leave my purse sitting somewhere, share my deepest fears and desires; but i can't because I have conditioned myself NOT to trust. This is a major issue, because trust is mandatory in ANY type of relationship. If you can't trust, you can't love. If you can't love, you won't be loved. My friends and family love me and i love them; I don't trust them all. Not because any of them have betrayed me, but because I've conditioned my heart to believe that if given the chance ANYONE will turn their back or throw me under the bus. I've spoken to a few people about this issue i have and surprisingly, they all say "i wish i could be more like that. Then i wouldn't end up in some of these situations." 

While i am happy that i have eliminated a great deal of drama and hurt from my life, it comes at a cost. I'm not truly close to anyone anymore. I have to keep myself at a certain distance to remain "untouchable". I have to censor what i share with people and I'm always wondering what is going to be done with the information i do decide to share. It's a nightmare. It gets even worse when it comes to dating. I'm not the go through his phone, check his pockets, clean out his car type of non-truster; I'm the no you can't have my number and i don't want to get to know you because you'll end up hurting me anyway type of non-truster. I don't even let people in. This makes for a very lonely life, but again this is how i learned to protect my heart. What better way to protect something than to keep everyone away from it? 

My son's father was the first person whose number I accepted in almost 2 years when I met him. My better judgment said keep moving; usually i listen to that little voice. That particular day, i stayed and listen to the light skinned charmer with the hazel eyes. Annnnnnnd where did that land me? Alone with a baby! So, I'm almost back to square one. Pregnancy saved me.

While I was carrying my son, i softened up a great deal. I tore down some of my wall, because i realized that nobody wants to climb over pointless walls. No one wants to keep climbing and breaking down walls. So, I'm trying to recondition my heart. It won't be easy and i suspect it will take some time to chip all the ice and concrete away from my pretty, little heart but hopefully its salvageable. I think i have some good things to offer to a good person. So, my question to you is, how do YOU protect your heart without building walls? 

XOXO,

LyfeBytes